A large part of my life is about 'Looking good and avoiding looking bad' - both literally and figuratively. Though it is my desire to be myself and not be gripped by this I know how deep rooted it is and how hard it is to come out of its grips. First thing I want to address is the literal 'looking good' part.
Embarrassment is one thing I just cannot handle - be it happening to me or to someone else. I somehow have to avoid it. One of the things constantly running in my mind is of the form 'Am I behaving correctly? Am I dressed correct to the occasion? Is someone looking at me for some stupid thing I am doing? Will they catch me being stupid?' This is costing me my self expression. For example what will people think if I go in open and start taking photographs? Do they think I am flaunting my camera? What if they think I am a good photographer and I end up screwing it up? It's all about they, them. But deep down it's all about me, Me, ME. I am so self obsessed that I cannot afford looking bad even for a single instance. It's as if everybody is looking only at me; to find faults.
Yesterday I felt differently and told myself - enough is enough. I cannot resist the temptation to avoid looking bad. So let me intentionally try looking bad. Every time I feel avoiding something thinking it might lead to me looking bad, I thought I would do it. And made a resolution that everyday I will list down at least three things where I looked bad.
This blog is all about my everyday listings of intentional looking bad. In fact the first thing that came to my mind when I thought of the blog was - what if people read this? what do they think of me? But then immediately I caught myself and said - 'there you go. Yet another avoiding looking bad. So I must do it'. Still, even now I am not comfortable when I think what if people who know me get to know this blog is mine :( But.. hell with 'them' - not the people I know - but 'them', the people in my world who have no work but observe me :)
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
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Forgot to add. The title for the blog is not original statement by me. It is one of the distinctions of Landmark Forum, a course that touched me deeply.
ReplyDeleteWhen u said the last time, I was thinking what can I expect here? For the first time, I started to think who are u to me? coleague? yes, thats how we got to know each other...but I have shared my personal thoughts/opinions with u, felt at some point our frequencies match, u can give good suggestions/analogies, intellectual thoughts, impart knowledge, but still thought, u r not just my coleague...Friend? You are one person with whom I could just discuss my 'raw' thoughts/opinions as well as 'prepared' thoughts to just "not to look bad"...I think it doesn't matter if we look good to everyone, thats what everyone wishes though, but "not to look bad" to the ones that matter to us...and more importantly our opinion on the ones matter to us...When I read ur last para, though I got the same thought - still what abt the people u know? instantly I thought thats what people u know want to look for here. My respect for u grew even more! Lots of backlog to read!! good Going!!!
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