Day 32 - मामॆकं शरणं व्रज

Jog - done.

I have always thought that I was an adjusting and easy going person. I have got along well with most people. However I have rarely got attached to any person. As one friend said I am heartily welcomed by every one but missed by no one! And I liked that way of being. I like to be with people at times and be left completely alone at some other times. So I chose when to be with people and when not to be.

I had my own view of the world and I was more or less fixed to it. Anything outside of it is adjustment. I used to get adjusted to people and circumstances. But I never accepted people or circumstances as they were. I had to 'adjust' to survive; or as if it is the best possible alternative available. Thus I rarely experienced true choice, not that I have never, but rarely.

The adjusting would work to some level, as long as external stimuli is there or till the situation is bearable. The moment people or situation started getting off of my view of world, beyond a safety threshold, I would feel the heat and I would want to get off that. And the simplest way out was to withdraw myself from the situation or the people involved. And in most of the cases I have exited gracefully and I would deploy my brain very well to do so.

That way of being had its own impact. No matter how it seemed to outside world I knew deep inside that it was my inability to cope up with people or circumstances. It was like a failure and I would hate going through that experience. Identifying this as my pattern I would be very cautious getting to people or even planning anything together, because I knew that I couldn't accept people in their entirety and that adjustment never lasts long. So I would always keep a back door open, just in case you know! Most importantly I had nobody with whom I could be myself, share my true feelings and open my heart.

What I saw yesterday was that I never stood for what was possible. I would always operate from the angle of survival. Clearly survival yielded mere survival - best available alternative with no true choice. I also realized that from where I am coming from, possibility of having an extra ordinary life was a pipe dream. There was something missing the presence of which would make the difference.

Thanks to my friend who mentioned a shloka from Gita, the day before yesterday, albeit in a different context.

| सर्वधर्मान्परित्यज्य मामॆकं शरणं व्रज |

It talks about 'complete surrender' to God. This is surrendering in a very empowering context.

I saw that bringing forth of a possibility of being completely surrendering - a complete submission - would make the difference. If I am being completely there is no I or Me in it. I have given myself completely to the Cause. Then I don't really have to worry about the outcome and need not work my way towards achieving the outcome. I can be free and be myself. What will happen will happen. Then accepting people and situations is effortless, rather it's an outcome.

All that it needs is Trust and being completely surrendering. My being that way opens up a whole new world, full of calm and peace, where I can do what my heart wants. It is an access to an living extraordinary life.